I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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