how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
