My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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