My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
