She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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