I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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