I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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