make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize