can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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