i jhust puked up my retainher.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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