My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
