dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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