One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
