I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You may now shotgun with the bride
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
