Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
