Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
