just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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