jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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