Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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