I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
