My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize