3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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