I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my sisters under your porch take her home
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
