I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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