last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
