no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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