dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
