i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You made out with two different species that night
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
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