apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
