Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
