Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
