Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
