Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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