I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize