Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
