Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
