she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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