vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
