Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you win again, gameday.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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