I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
smell my finger.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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