Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Im part way to drunk.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
