Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
