From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
