So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
