I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
