just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
