Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
