Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
