Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
