What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
