if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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