I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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