WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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