After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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