here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
