Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
