the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Enjoy the penises
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
